Difficulties

I'm struggling. I can admit it, I can fight it, I can talk about it, but I can't seem to overcome it. The last 30 days have been the most difficult of my adult life. It isn't just one thing, or feeling overwhelmed in one way, it feels like everything is stacked against us. I'm not sitting around depressed or allowing it to overcome me, but I am struggling to cope tonight.

My 30 day marathon: (in no particular order just need to vent it all out)
Isaac hospitalized - Brings back memories of struggling with 2 of my own children being in the hospital; which until this month, that time with Jessica in hospital at 1 month old was the worst period of my life.
Isabella hospitalized - on the phone with Abe for 3 hours as he takes her to Urgent care and ultimately to the hospital for the same thing Isaac was just released from the hospital for hours earlier. Hearing Abraham cry and express his frustration. Feeling desperately sad and wanting to help. Feeling trapped in AZ and my life here, and only being able to offer to pray and listen.
Bernadette in preterm labor - I can't offer to help with my nephews who I love so much and want to give assistance. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with my own preterm labor and giving birth to a baby rushed off to the NICU. Bernadette's sweet baby is so much less developed and won't survive. It is stressful and I feel helpless.
Melinda cancer- Went in for an exam, the Dr. called to say she needs to go over the results in her office. We don't expect good news, Melinda asks me to go with her. I hold her hand as the Dr. explains she has cancer and needs to get the proper care ASAP to determine how far it has gone and what her chances are.
Mom sibling death- calls to let me know her brother passed away. I never knew my Uncle Hank. I don't even know the names of his children. I feel sad for my Mom's loss, and am grateful that her brother reached out to her in the last couple of years, after decades of them not speaking, to heal their relationship. The story of his illness and death are eerily similar to the illness and difficulties my own Dad is experiencing. It brings back into sharp focus how my Dad is so close to slipping past the veil and can really go at any time. I grieve for the father I have already lost on so many levels as his mind and health continue to deteriorate.
Anya emergency surgery - to remove her appendix. With 2 little babies at home and being so far away I again feel helpless to offer more then email encouragement and prayers. I want to be there to help with her recovery (I know she struggles with putting herself first).
Debbie diagnosed with MS - I think of her 4 young children and the difficulties she and her family will face. I am humbled by her faith and strength. Life is beginning to feel precious and uncertain.
Davis Family Steven passed away - Grief.  So sad for his family. He was only 29, unmarried. I know his parents and siblings are suffering. It creeps into my thoughts at random moments each day. The only thing I can think to do is offer a prayer. His funeral service will be on Jessica's 6th birthday. I rearrange the party and hope I can be cheerful enough for her after spending the morning with dear friends as they put their loved one to rest.
Paul it might be cancer - How many family members can be diagnosed with cancer in 30 days??? My poor sister has enough burdens trying to cope with keeping her 3rd son from being born while arranging care for the other 2. Bernadette calls me freaking out (understandably so) trying to get control of her emotions before Paul can make it home from the disappointing Dr. appointment. I want to hold her and tell her everything will be all right, but the truth is my faith in that old stand by has been seriously shaken at this point.
Anna is sick - Hours spent with Dr.'s and specialists.  Poor Anna has had some type of exposure to something that effected her greatly. She spent a night vomiting and the next few days with sever abdominal problems. It has been weeks of heavier medication and daily pain. She has lost weight, isn't sleeping well and struggles to make it through each day. I am amazed at her strength of character as she has to advocate for herself with the nurse at school, and manages to bring her grades up despite this relapse into major GI issues. After so many positive months of controlling her chronic illness we have no idea what brought on this relapse.
Jessica Dyslexia?? - Parent teacher conference went as I expected it to. Jessica's teacher and I have been conversing for the last several months and working extensively with her to try and help her learn. She has a real and concerning disconnect between what she sees and being able to convert those images into letters, numbers, and shapes. Orally she is passing with flying colors, her fluency is very below typical. Looking into getting her tested and treated, it all costs hundreds and thousands of dollars.

Sewer line broken - the short term fix the plumber put in place 3 months ago costing over $600 has run out and now we need to really get it fixed. The new cost are over $1,700 and days of people coming to dig up my yard and work on my house.
Furnace broken - not kidding this happened within 12 hours of the sewer line quitting. Worse yet we are headed into an Arctic Front that will bring colder temperatures than AZ has seen in several years. How does this happen?? What are the odds that in such a good climate the furnace will break right when you need it most? On top of another problem!! UGH!! $400 to get it up and running. (this happened the same week of Melinda's bad news)
Flooded Bedroom - Spending a rainy Saturday cleaning the bedroom meant we were there to notice that the roof/wall/whatever is causing the rain to come into our home, rot our drywall and beams and stucco. It seems to have been a problem for a while based on the amount of damage we can see when moving the heavy furniture out of the way. It goes into the bathroom as well, I dread to find out what has been growing under the tub and in the walls. Call to the home owners insurance to process a claim I anticipate this being $1,000's of dollars in damage. Maybe I can get away with the $1,000 deductible. (fingers crossed). Add another thing to the day I meant to be celebrating Jessica's birth.
Broken Window - It wasn't enough that our home was filling with water from some mysterious leak. A Barbie went through the girls window during clean up of their room. More water in the house and a problem of old windows we hoped to address at some point is now getting priority. Still haven't had time to figure this out.
Money is so tight - with our home falling apart around us this month financial difficulties follow. We were hoping next month would be our chance to begin getting ahead. No such luck as it will begin with the hardship of the new set of problems.

A Working Mom - owning my own company has advantages, but in a month like this one I really struggle as it also means I don't have anyone to do my job if I am not there. With the weight of all the above I have a difficult time keeping pace with the goals and workload my partner and I implemented to help us be successful. The highs and lows of our industry rub at my frayed nerves. I feel guilty when I'm at work with a sick child in tow or forced to school so I can work, and I feel guilty when I stay home to deal with the pressures and difficulties of what is my life. It has been a lose lose situation so far this year.

I'm not sure if I feel better for getting it all out there. It really is as bad as I thought it all was/is.

Truth be told, I am hopeful about the future. I believe that February will be better. I'll wake up tomorrow and  be happy for the new day, focus on controlling what I can and trying to let go of what I can't. Our family has been praying that our burdens (and those of family and friends) will be made light.  My faith allows me to believe this will happen. So I'll go to bed now and start my day with exercise tomorrow.