Difficulties

I'm struggling. I can admit it, I can fight it, I can talk about it, but I can't seem to overcome it. The last 30 days have been the most difficult of my adult life. It isn't just one thing, or feeling overwhelmed in one way, it feels like everything is stacked against us. I'm not sitting around depressed or allowing it to overcome me, but I am struggling to cope tonight.

My 30 day marathon: (in no particular order just need to vent it all out)
Isaac hospitalized - Brings back memories of struggling with 2 of my own children being in the hospital; which until this month, that time with Jessica in hospital at 1 month old was the worst period of my life.
Isabella hospitalized - on the phone with Abe for 3 hours as he takes her to Urgent care and ultimately to the hospital for the same thing Isaac was just released from the hospital for hours earlier. Hearing Abraham cry and express his frustration. Feeling desperately sad and wanting to help. Feeling trapped in AZ and my life here, and only being able to offer to pray and listen.
Bernadette in preterm labor - I can't offer to help with my nephews who I love so much and want to give assistance. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with my own preterm labor and giving birth to a baby rushed off to the NICU. Bernadette's sweet baby is so much less developed and won't survive. It is stressful and I feel helpless.
Melinda cancer- Went in for an exam, the Dr. called to say she needs to go over the results in her office. We don't expect good news, Melinda asks me to go with her. I hold her hand as the Dr. explains she has cancer and needs to get the proper care ASAP to determine how far it has gone and what her chances are.
Mom sibling death- calls to let me know her brother passed away. I never knew my Uncle Hank. I don't even know the names of his children. I feel sad for my Mom's loss, and am grateful that her brother reached out to her in the last couple of years, after decades of them not speaking, to heal their relationship. The story of his illness and death are eerily similar to the illness and difficulties my own Dad is experiencing. It brings back into sharp focus how my Dad is so close to slipping past the veil and can really go at any time. I grieve for the father I have already lost on so many levels as his mind and health continue to deteriorate.
Anya emergency surgery - to remove her appendix. With 2 little babies at home and being so far away I again feel helpless to offer more then email encouragement and prayers. I want to be there to help with her recovery (I know she struggles with putting herself first).
Debbie diagnosed with MS - I think of her 4 young children and the difficulties she and her family will face. I am humbled by her faith and strength. Life is beginning to feel precious and uncertain.
Davis Family Steven passed away - Grief.  So sad for his family. He was only 29, unmarried. I know his parents and siblings are suffering. It creeps into my thoughts at random moments each day. The only thing I can think to do is offer a prayer. His funeral service will be on Jessica's 6th birthday. I rearrange the party and hope I can be cheerful enough for her after spending the morning with dear friends as they put their loved one to rest.
Paul it might be cancer - How many family members can be diagnosed with cancer in 30 days??? My poor sister has enough burdens trying to cope with keeping her 3rd son from being born while arranging care for the other 2. Bernadette calls me freaking out (understandably so) trying to get control of her emotions before Paul can make it home from the disappointing Dr. appointment. I want to hold her and tell her everything will be all right, but the truth is my faith in that old stand by has been seriously shaken at this point.
Anna is sick - Hours spent with Dr.'s and specialists.  Poor Anna has had some type of exposure to something that effected her greatly. She spent a night vomiting and the next few days with sever abdominal problems. It has been weeks of heavier medication and daily pain. She has lost weight, isn't sleeping well and struggles to make it through each day. I am amazed at her strength of character as she has to advocate for herself with the nurse at school, and manages to bring her grades up despite this relapse into major GI issues. After so many positive months of controlling her chronic illness we have no idea what brought on this relapse.
Jessica Dyslexia?? - Parent teacher conference went as I expected it to. Jessica's teacher and I have been conversing for the last several months and working extensively with her to try and help her learn. She has a real and concerning disconnect between what she sees and being able to convert those images into letters, numbers, and shapes. Orally she is passing with flying colors, her fluency is very below typical. Looking into getting her tested and treated, it all costs hundreds and thousands of dollars.

Sewer line broken - the short term fix the plumber put in place 3 months ago costing over $600 has run out and now we need to really get it fixed. The new cost are over $1,700 and days of people coming to dig up my yard and work on my house.
Furnace broken - not kidding this happened within 12 hours of the sewer line quitting. Worse yet we are headed into an Arctic Front that will bring colder temperatures than AZ has seen in several years. How does this happen?? What are the odds that in such a good climate the furnace will break right when you need it most? On top of another problem!! UGH!! $400 to get it up and running. (this happened the same week of Melinda's bad news)
Flooded Bedroom - Spending a rainy Saturday cleaning the bedroom meant we were there to notice that the roof/wall/whatever is causing the rain to come into our home, rot our drywall and beams and stucco. It seems to have been a problem for a while based on the amount of damage we can see when moving the heavy furniture out of the way. It goes into the bathroom as well, I dread to find out what has been growing under the tub and in the walls. Call to the home owners insurance to process a claim I anticipate this being $1,000's of dollars in damage. Maybe I can get away with the $1,000 deductible. (fingers crossed). Add another thing to the day I meant to be celebrating Jessica's birth.
Broken Window - It wasn't enough that our home was filling with water from some mysterious leak. A Barbie went through the girls window during clean up of their room. More water in the house and a problem of old windows we hoped to address at some point is now getting priority. Still haven't had time to figure this out.
Money is so tight - with our home falling apart around us this month financial difficulties follow. We were hoping next month would be our chance to begin getting ahead. No such luck as it will begin with the hardship of the new set of problems.

A Working Mom - owning my own company has advantages, but in a month like this one I really struggle as it also means I don't have anyone to do my job if I am not there. With the weight of all the above I have a difficult time keeping pace with the goals and workload my partner and I implemented to help us be successful. The highs and lows of our industry rub at my frayed nerves. I feel guilty when I'm at work with a sick child in tow or forced to school so I can work, and I feel guilty when I stay home to deal with the pressures and difficulties of what is my life. It has been a lose lose situation so far this year.

I'm not sure if I feel better for getting it all out there. It really is as bad as I thought it all was/is.

Truth be told, I am hopeful about the future. I believe that February will be better. I'll wake up tomorrow and  be happy for the new day, focus on controlling what I can and trying to let go of what I can't. Our family has been praying that our burdens (and those of family and friends) will be made light.  My faith allows me to believe this will happen. So I'll go to bed now and start my day with exercise tomorrow.

Spring Break! No Kids!

We managed 4 and a half days with no kids. This was our longest break as parents, and we LOVED it!

Wayne and Sherrie took the girls to California for some Spring Break Fun! Other then the fact that I had to mess with packing and (still working on) unpacking them I was hands off. They had a wonderful time swimming in a heated pool, playing on Coronado Beach, Sea World, eating out, staying up late and wearing their grandparents out.

Jarom had already taken the week off of work for my birthday so he happened to be home and we enjoyed an AWESOME "stay cation" of our own. We watched the "Hunger Games", ate all the snacks and pizza we could handle and took Cubby on some long walks (he was really missing the girls). 

Anna and Sarah had a ton to say about their funtabulous time. They could have stayed up all of Sunday night sharing their every moment away from home. Anna finally asked how our time was; we could only say it was great. She asked what we did and after getting the short list she shrugged and said "That sounds pretty boring to me". Well, I'll take boring again anytime. 

Family Update

I was just emailing a family member and realized that I could use it as a quick update to my blog. Our family is so busy, but we are taking time to enjoy ourselves and I'm very proud of my Beautiful Girls. So here's what we've been up to.


We are doing well. Jarom did hear from Boarder Patrol. They said "We are very interested in you, but it is taking us a year to process the background packets. Don't call us we'll call you, just be patient." Our year mark will be in August, so Jarom is still looking for another option.

I've gone back to work, but that's a long story.

Sarah is AMAZING us with her super talents. She had field day at school a couple of weeks ago and won a ribbon in every event. She was so good that she is going to District on the 13th. It shouldn't be a surprise that she has some real running talent and we are going to work with her on developing that more. Sarah was also recently chosen to have her art project entered into a regional event. She didn't win any awards but just being selected was a real honor.

Anna will be 8 in no time. Her baptism is April 14th at 3pm. (We just finalized that today.) Anna has also been going through a difficult time with her reflux, food allergies, seasonal allergies and now Asthma. This kid keeps me busy. We have numerous appointments lined up this next week. We are thinking about starting Anna on Piano lessons as she needs something positive to focus on and she would LOVE it.

Jessica had a great birthday! Due to a computer crash I don't have pictures to share but hope to recover some soon. She is Star of the Week at preschool and we just finished her poster. She said that Disneyland is her favorite place, If she could have anything she'd want a Princess Bunk bed, Her favorite thing to do is watch movies and play video games, When she grows up she wants to be a worker in the temple. I think she described herself very well, Jessica sure does know what she likes. She is also preparing for Kindergarten. She is excited!! She doesn't know that I made an appointment for her to get the rest of her shots this week, a sad part of being ready for public schools.

This is my life and I love it. I know all to soon I'll be an empty nester and I'll miss my sweet girls. So I take time to enjoy them now.

Super Cubby

It seems my mind only turns to writing late at night. I've had so many blog ideas that begin to form only to be replaced by numbers as I count myself to sleep. Those nights have been getting much earlier thanks to my Hubby's new work schedule which has him out the door by 1:30am. So, why the break in my new found tradition of getting enough sleep? That is an interesting story one I thought was worth a BLOG.

Last night as a dutiful wife I was in bed at the reasonable time of 8:30pm. I spent about an hour waiting for the kids to really settle down, then another half hour of sneaking my IPod under the blankets playing Bejeweled. Finally, I was about to drift off...when Cubby started barking. Cubby is a wonderful dog, he only barks if someone other then the immediate family is at the door, and then only until I ask him to stop. Cubby has never barked in the late hours of the night. Of course I had to see what was wrong. When I called him down the hall to my room he came with a defensive posture turning his back on me and growling toward the front of the house. I asked what's wrong and he cautiously started down the hall. By the time I reached him, he took it as his cue to run to our big back window and freak out in a way I've never seen before. That is when I noticed the silhouette of someone standing 3 feet from our back door. With Cubby attacking the window they seemed to take the hint and rather quickly went for the gate heading out.

I was not excited to realize Cubby wasn't picking up a bad habit but really had something to be worked up about. I woke Jarom and while he took in my story and prepared to investigate we heard a car start and pull out of our street rather quickly. Well, my man turned on lights, double checked every lock and child, declared the house as safe as it can get, patted Cubby on the head and snuggled his shaking wife until she could fall asleep. I woke when his alarm went off (wasn't there any way he could call in just this once so I wouldn't be alone??), and did not really fall asleep again.

I must admit I've gotten pretty dang good at letting things go. I don't tend to let stress, anger or fear dictate my life for long; so I faced today with renewed courage and determination. I took it in stride while making a Dr. appointment for Sarah this morning (now our family's 6th visit to a Dr./Urgent Care/ER in 3 weeks). I wasn't thrilled when Jarom called to tell me he was already an hour late getting off and would be even later, but at least he called and we could coordinated schedules. It was while standing at the "closed for a lunch break" pharmacy he delivered the really bad news...He was needed back at work by 9pm and I would get to spend the afternoon and evening trying to keep the kids quite so he could sleep. (I've not forgotten where my story started, I'm just sharing the key details.) Worse yet, I will be spending the night at home alone with the Creeper. Oh yeah, and since we can't use our garage if Creeper decides to come by again tonight He'll notice that my Husband's car is gone.

As my Mom reminded me (after I broke down and asked her to spend the night with me so I wouldn't be the only adult home in the event the Creeper makes it into the house) I'm not defenseless. I have a choice of weapons, a home alarm system, a cell phone and a Super Cubby. Somehow, as I sit here alone listening to every noise of the house these things aren't quite enough to comfort me.

I might be able to get some sleep, but my meditation counting isn't going to be enough to stave off this stress. Too bad Cubby is such a good dog, he always sleeps right where we've trained him to (in the girls bathroom) so he won't be in the bedroom to keep me company. (For the record my Mom was willing to drive all the way over here and stay the night but she had important things to attend to at home.)

I did mention I'm attempting to live my life with more optimism right... Here is the proof as I share the second part of my Super Cubby post. A happier part which I felt was worthy of adding to the online world but didn't have time for until now. Anna wrote this book all on her own a couple of months ago. I'm really proud of her I think she did an excellent job.

Yes, thank you Super Cubby. You do more then find lunch boxes, you protect our family.

Small Moments

Dinner was done and cleaned up, the girls were watching something boring on TV and Jarom was on the computer. I found myself heading to my room for some quite. Somehow when I got there the bed just looked so inviting. I was only lying down for about 3 minutes before Jarom came in and scooted me over so he could lie down and snuggle with me. Within minutes Sarah and Jessica came into the room they thought our bed looked cozy too so they climbed in. Anna wondered where we all were and joined us. (We are not an everyone come into our room and climb in our bed kind of family these moments are rare and kind of special.)

Our bed isn't that big, and the kids are growing fast....so it wasn't exactly comfortable anymore with extra knees, feet and elbows. We started singing a song, I'm not sure why they remember it, about we're all in the bed and the little one said roll over, roll over. We all roll over and one fell out. At the end of the song the little one is left with the bed all to herself.

Jarom had to get ready for work and the girls were goofing around. I went over to Jarom at the dresser and just gave him a quick kiss and hug to thank him for snuggling with me, especially because I was going to be spending another night alone. We were just stealing a couple of seconds expressing our love he called me his beautiful wife. We didn't realize we had an audience until Anna said, "Awww, I want a Husband".

It's these unplanned moments that can mean the most. It reassures us all that we have each other and love each other. It helps the girls know that they need to find someone who will respect and love them more then anything else in the world. Just like their Daddy loves me.

Proud Mama

Every Mom thinks her kids are great! Well, I'm no exception. This last week my daughters kept me very busy with proud moments.

On Monday we had Daddy unexpectedly home and an hour to waste after picking Anna up from school and before Sarah would be done, so I suggested we take our youngest child Jessica to the park and teach her how to ride her bike - with only 2 wheels.

Watching Jessica on her training wheeled bike was amazing. That bike was a best bud taking her where she wanted to go and always submitting to her will. She would go down big bumps and often coast to a perfect stop. She was confident and comfortable, so it seemed about time to shake that up.

As expected she was vocally nervous. She pitched a fit and cried and begged us not to let go. She took a couple of decent falls and I could see she was getting frustrated. She took it out on her bike pushing it to the ground then stomping her foot and yelling at her Daddy that she was never going to do it again not EVER!! I wasn't sure just how far we could push her so I decided it was time to intervene and had Jay take a bench break with me while Jessica could do what she wanted.

Less than a minute of standing there looking from the swings back to her betrayer bike laying on the ground Jessica took a page right out of Sarah's book and said "I'm going to try it again. Lets just go straight though." I like to call these moments "MACK GRIT". Jessica couldn't just walk away, she was going to keep trying until she and her bike were best friends again.

5 minutes later found her jumping and shouting only this time because she was so excited, she was riding in a straight line! Four evenings later and my Spunky Bunky is once again on good terms with her bike. She often takes sharp turns that I'm sure will send her to the pavement but Jessica seems to know just what her bike can do for her and handles it like an expert.

Yes, I'm proud. It is bitter sweet though. Each of Jessica's firsts marks another of my lasts.





I wore my Proud Badge again today as the girls preformed in the Primary Program at church. They all practiced hard and let their talents shine. Each did an excellent job with their parts. Jessica was the second Sunbeam to give a line and I can tell you she was "So scared" she told me before church that she didn't want to say it in front of all those people. JT told her to look down at the 2 rows of her family that were there to support her because she wouldn't be scared of them. I was sitting on the stand behind her so I'm not sure where her attention was, but she delivered her line clearly and flawlessly then went back to her seat with a big smile and thumbs up for me. Her primary teacher said she inspired several of the other kids in her class to make it through their parts too.

Anna & Sarah stole the show (in my humble opinion). They sang the 8th verse of "Book of Mormon Stories" as a duet. I was happy that they sang clearly, stayed in tune and didn't speed sing faster then the piano could accompany them. I'm proud of them for bringing an extra sweet spirit to the meeting. More then just words being sung my girls sounded like angles because I could feel the testimony behind what they sang. Several people told me they felt it too.

Here is the verse they sang:
After Christ was crucified and died for you and me,
He came forth to teach the truth to all who would be free.
Hands were laid upon each child. He blessed them tenderly,
And they lived in the land righteously.

These are just a couple bigger examples of why I'm proud. It goes beyond that in the little details of life...cleaning without arguing, reminding us to have family scripture study, doing homework without being asked the list could and does go on. Maybe it was the bigger things that brought the smaller ones into a clear focus for me. Whatever the cause this week I feel like a proud Mama!

Dreams

Jessica woke me in the middle of the night. I thought she probably needed to go potty. As I am getting out of bed she begins her story...

"Mommy I just had a dream. I dreamed I was in a green field and there were so many butterflies and they were so pretty. They were blue and purple and pink and green. I really liked them." She pauses to take a deep sigh. I am now out of bed and take her hand to lead her to the bathroom. To my surprise she begins crying.

"The butterflies were all over me. They were licking me and covering my eyes." Jessica is really sobbing now. "And I couldn't see and they were stuck in my hair. I couldn't run away they were getting on me everywhere."

Realizing this isn't a potty emergency I pick her up and carry her back into her room. She tells me she needs some snuggles and so I oblige and lay down with her. I hold her close and tell her everything is okay, that butterflies are nice and won't hurt her. I smooth her hair and whisper to her until she falls asleep.

The next morning I go in to help get her dressed and the moment I walk in her room I realize I'm walking right into her dream...




I was proud of the hard work I did painting and decorating her room. I never imagined it would inspire nightmares.